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'The New Celebrity Apprentice' recap: 'Fire Up That Chopper' Dalton Ross
01/11/17 01:38 AM

'The New Celebrity Apprentice' recap: 'Fire Up That Chopper'

Dalton Ross

Celebrity Apprentice

What the hell just happened? I thought I was watching an episode — well, two episodes scrunched together, really — of Celebrity Apprentice, when all of a sudden a dissertation on our 16th president’s Cabinet broke out! Here I was, relaxing and enjoying a bodybuilder-turned-movie star make fun of Jon Lovitz while saying odd things like “This is a boardroom not of sleeping but of action!” when something truly odd happened. The host of one of the most gloriously dumb franchises in television history started dropping legitimate history right in our faces.

Decrying those who like to surround themselves with “yes men,” Arnold Schwarzenegger suddenly morphed into Doris Kearns Goodwin right before our eyes and waxed poetic about how Abraham Lincoln filled his Cabinet with the bodies of those he had vanquished in the primary. I can only assume this has and will be the only time you will hear names like Salmon Chase, Edward Bates, and William Henry Seward (my personal favorite Secretary of State of all time) alluded to in the boardroom.

By the way, I’m not kidding about the Seward thing. That guy was a badass abolitionist well before Lincoln and took a knife to the face and neck five times the same night the president was assassinated. He lived to tell the tale, too, and later bought us Alaska from the Russians… Although the Russians retaliated 139 years later by rigging our presidential election, so there’s that. Holy crap, now what the hell is wrong with me? First Ah-Nold, and now I’m popping off about 19th-century political figures. Black is white! Up is down! Cats and dogs, living together! Read on here:

Shut the flippin' front door! ~~ Do you think you were born awesome, or just grew up badass? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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* 'The New Celebrity Apprentice' recap: 'Fire Up That Chopper' Dalton Ross
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01/11/17 01:38 AM

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