And another one bites the dust, finally. This season has been the worst for me ever. I actually stopped watching the show a few weeks back, and stopped watching the feeds, and only kept up with what was going on through social media and fan sites like Joker’s and RHAP. I feel like I made a great decision, actually.
But now it’s time for my time-honored tradition of updating my cruel, heartless, and completely unfair Snap Judgments TM for this cast. I predicted before the show that they would all need good health insurance that covers mental wellness, and I have never been so prophetic.
So, without further ado, let us proceed with the post mortem:
Christmas Abbott —
Original Snap Judgment: STFU Christmas! She looks like one of those egregiously perky people. I haven’t even heard her voice yet, and it’s already getting on my nerves. Most Likely To Be In A Doomed Alliance.
Final Judgment: Well, she wasn’t in a doomed alliance, but she certainly was doomed. She was a complete waste of space, and I’m glad she didn’t get to sniff the Final Two chairs.
Matthew Clines —
Original Snap Judgment: Ugh. Meathead. Thinks Donny Bumpkin was a good player. Idiot. Most Likely To Refer To Himself In The Third Person.
Final Judgment: Might actually be animatronic. Zingbot has more personality and impact on the game. Worst hamster ever.
Dominique Cooper —
Original Snap Judgment: Probably a recruit. Uses ‘lol’ in written speech, lol. Boring. Most Likely To Complain About Slop.
Final Judgment: Speaking in tongues? Yeah, where I come from we call that ‘insanity’. Of course, I come from the depths of Hades, so your mileage may vary.
Elena Davies —
Original Snap Judgment: Anyone who describes herself as ‘abrasive’ is usually irretrievably grating. Plus she’s a radio ‘personality’ from Texas, so she’s going to be loud and horrible and she’ll probably have a stupid accent. Her face looks like an ad for Restalyne. Yeah, you’re ’26’. Okay. Most Likely To Embarass Her Family.
Final Judgment: Not as annoying as I thought. Not really anything to say about her. She was pretty forgettable.
Jason Dent —
Original Snap Judgment: Rodeo Clown? Really? What a schmuck. Something tells me he’s even better at ‘playing’ dumb than James, his hero. Are all guys from Iowa slack-jawed yokels? Most Likely To Have An Annoying Diary Room Persona.
Final Judgment: Dumber than a box of rocks. I called it.
Jessica Graf —
Original Snap Judgment: VIP Concierge who lives in LA? She must be, like, really smart ’n stuff OMG. She looks like Christina Grande, Frankie Grande’s sister, the pop star. And this chick aspires to be the next Janelle? I hope you get your wish to become a three-time loser, Jessica. Most Likely To Nip Slip.
Final Judgment: I didn’t hate her as much as I thought I would. I hate that.
Cameron Heard —
Original Snap Judgment: Microbiologist who wears glasses. I hope he’s smart enough to know he’s not going to make it to Jury. Ian Terry you ain’t, friendo. Most Likely To Mention Fan Sites On The Feeds.
Final Judgment: When I said he was no Ian Terry, boy was I on the money.
Mark Jansen —
Original Snap Judgment: If protein powder took human form, it would look like this doofus. What are the odds that he’s going to be in a ‘guys alliance’? I’d say they’re pretty high. Most Likely To Use Words Like Brewski Unironically.
Final Judgment: I think I read him wrong initially, he wasn’t as awful as I anticipated. That’s disappointing.
Megan Lowder —
Original Snap Judgment: She strikes me as one of those ‘guys girl’ types, who ‘can’t understand’ why she never seems to have female friends. And her hair is ugly. I hope for her sake Big Brother made her dye it and make it look like this. I’d hate to think she was actually going for that look. Most Likely To Wear Pig’s Blood At Prom.
Final Judgment: Yikes, I had no idea she has real issues. I hope she’s okay.
Josh Martinez —
Original Snap Judgment: He sells hair care? He’s from Florida? He likes Evel Dick? The phrase “pride goeth before a fall” is made for guys like him. He’ll definitely be in a guys alliance, no doubt. Most Likely To Inspire Controversial News Segments.
Final Judgment: AND YOUR WINNER!!!! What a wonderful last-minute save to an AWFUL season. Josh was a surprise, not quite on the level of a Zach Rance or a Shelby, but he grew on me. I may need some kind of ointment to get rid of it, but at least Paul got schooled.
Cody Nickson —
Original Snap Judgment: I automatically detest guys named Cody on principle. It’s one of those names that dooms the bearer to a life of frat-boy douchebaggery. Most Likely To Showmance Some Airhead.
Final Judgment: Well, lol. Though Jessica’s not really an airhead per se, he did immediately fall into her orbit. I’m on the fence with Cody, because on the one hand I find him completely unlikeable, but he was one of the only people who tried to save the season by blowing up Productions on-rails Paul storyline. Props for trying.
Alex Ow —
Original Snap Judgment: She wears a flower in her hair. Does she think she’s The Little Mermaid? Another irritating narcissist, no doubt. Most Likely To Throw A Mic In The Pool.
Final Judgment: Yeah, she pretty much was exactly the player I thought she’d be.
Jillian Parker —
Original Snap Judgment: She sells timeshares, which means she’s evil and unprincipled, but other than that I don’t see anything to like about her. Most Likely To Cry About How Unfair It All Is.
Final Judgment: Who was she again? The one that looked like a cross between Courtney Love and Cindy Brady? I mean, it’s been years since her eviction, I can’t be expected to remember them all.
Kevin Schlehuber —
Original Snap Judgment: Ugh. Old. Next. Most Likely To Remember Past Seasons.
Final Judgment: I mean I guess he was alright, whatever.
Ramses Soto —
Original Snap Judgment: Cosplay Artist? Really? How about you cosplay as Reality Winner, because that’s the closest you’re going to get to getting the final rose on this show, kid. Most Likely To Annoy Production.
Final Judgment: Just kind of okay for me. Don’t remember much about him other than his spectacular white teeth.
Raven Walton —
Original Snap Judgment: ‘Quirky’, eh? Cringe. What is she doing with her hair? Does she think she’s an anime princess? And I see Frankie Grande is her favorite past houseguest, which means she really, really, really, wants to meet his sister Christina, the pop singer. Most Likely To Give Tedious Shout Outs To People She Doesn’t Even Know.
Final Judgment: Train, meet wreck.
Paul Abrahamian —
I don’t have a Snap Judgment TM about him from this season, so I’ll use the one from last season: Paul — Hipster alert. I hate the beard. HATE. THE. BEARD. And there is nothing memorable about him, other than that ridiculous beard. I can’t tell if he’s super short or can’t sit up straight because he’s such a hipster weirdo.
Final Judgment: Well, you can tell he isn’t a fan, because he made the classic Rookie Vet mistake that Dan Gheesling did in his second season: underestimating the importance of jury management. I’m very glad this arrogant drip didn’t win, insofar as I can be called upon to care at all about this procession of humans.